Tuesday, 14 May 2013

The darkest place we can go. 
The darkest thoughts we can sought. 
The darkest nights we can go through yet see tommorow. 
What gives me the will to see the morning light.
What gives me strength to live on. 
Is it because I am scared of death? 
Or I am too used to waking up the next day. 
I sleep the night before
Only to know I'll wake the next. 
Am I taking all these for granted? 

Sometimes on days when my minds wander.
On days like today. 
A long bus ride to a place unknown 
I think of what my future will be. 
Will I find love? 
Will I even get married? 
Will I even have children? 
What if I don't?
What if I can't have what people take for granted? 
What if I am alone? 
Left to fend myself. 
Left to face this world and only trust thyself. 
Why can't I be like other girls?
Why can't I act like them? 
Dress like them? 
Why don't I dare to step out of my comfort zone? 
My safety feelings. 

As these thoughts come to mind, 
again at the end of the day, 
my heart cries for place to let go.
To let go of all this pain. 

Scars tells a small story. 
Many would see them as filthy. 
But each scar carries a story. 
A story others will never know. 
My scar is one out of agony
One out of hatred
One out of giving up. 
I look at them and remember  what I went through. 
How I lived.
How I am now because of these scars. 

Am I better?
Do I feel stronger?
Am I mentally fine?
Probably not.  
I can never be fine but I can say that I have grown stronger. 

My tears don't fall outside these four walls. 
Emotions intact, 
I won't drown. 

Every night I battle with all these thoughts
Morning I wake up I wonder why I did. 
Why think so much when life keeps moving forward?
Why think of tomorrow when it has not reached?
Why dwell on the past when its done?
Why think now when you can do nothing? 

Though I told that to myself a hundred times
I am forever at war with this countless thoughts of mine. 

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