Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Losing the passion for writing

Today, I decided to put some thoughts into the topic of "Writing".

Some might think "Wah wah wah...Why you so serious today". Just bear with me for this post and maybe I'll go back to my normal way of blogging.

Writing has always been a part of me since young.
I regularly wrote in a diary when I was in primary school and though some may have groaned when they were asked to write reflections of their day or week as a school homework, I loved such assignments.
As I got introduced to music and began having a passion for it, I started to write my own lyrics as well. One song per 2 days was what I wrote and I still have that huge file of lyrics in my room . I always cringe when read it now, however, I can't seem to throw them away cuz it's a reminder of the days when I still had a passion for writing.

As I went to secondary, I fell in love with writing stories. O level narrative questions were not a burden for me because it was a place for me to craft and write fictional stories. I let my imaginations roam and just wrote stories after stories. Heck I loved writing stories so much I wrote fanfics and posted some. I still have a few of those stories stashed away incomplete and I regret not completing it when my passion was still there.

So then, I continued on to tertiary school, poly. I wrote the most legit stuff there. Reviews, news articles, see my portfolio and it features everything. I was never tired of writing even though every day in at least 1 module I probably had to write something. Heck it sparked something in me to clear up my old blog and start anew so that I could have a decent, proper sounding blog that is actually understandable and was not just about how I spent my day.

Why am I reflecting on these points you may ask. Why am I being so random? Well, that is because my passion for writing suddenly turned to be a burden to me recently.

If you check my blog posts, this post would probably be the first one for 2016. I had a lot of things I wanted to write about. My Penang trip, my trip to JB, what I was up to during my holidays, heck. My resolution for the year (which I always have wrote for years on my blog). But I scraped them all halfway because it was just tiring and bothersome to write.

Why you may ask.

Well, ever since I started university last year , I went through the process of writing essays. Churning essays after essays suddenly made writing a chore for me. As I went through semesters, I had to write about 3 essays Per sem and I just go tired of it. Typing became a chore, writing became a pain, it was just not fun to write anymore.The worst thing was that I kept getting criticized for the way I wrote my essays. Unlike writing articles, blogs, lyrics and stories, research and argumentative essays have a structure. That is why even in secondary I never chose argumentative essays because I hate how there's little freedom to express my thoughts. Ok, so maybe research essays allow you to express your thoughts on a certain research paper or method. But my thoughts was always criticized with comments such as "that is just an assumption, where is your evidence" or "this is not critical thinking, you are just stating what you read". Well I'm sorry. I'm not used to write 'critically' because I don't even know what writing 'critically' means. You might think that the more essays you write the simpler it gets. Yes it does. But it also ruins ur appetite to write other materials. You'll start to think that you are not good enough in writing so why should you write? Why should I write on my blog when no one's gonna read it? Why should I write stories when I don't have the capacity to produce it and heck my stories are lame. Why should I write lyrics when I'm not a musician and never will be?

There were times as I did my assignments, I had a spark to write something on my blog. But then it goes to be incomplete because I run out of what I want to write by the first paragraph. Like this topic on passion of writing. I wrote part of it as I was doing either my psych or media assignment last sem when I just really wanted to vent my anger on how I'm sad my passion of writing was dying.

But now, rather then being angry and blaming uni as the catalyst to make me hate writing, I think I just became frustrated at myself. Where did my passion for writing go? Where did my inspiration to write lyrics go? The only thing I could do well was write. If that was taken away from me, what can I do?  In the past, when I wrote, I wasn't writing to please others. I was writing to please myself. I was writing because I wanted to and I didn't care what people say. If there were good comments, I'll humbly take it, if there were negative comments, I'll take it or leave it. After thinking about that, I started to miss the days where I wrote for fun. Writing about how happy I was, how sad and angry I was, how I liked some guys but it always never worked out. I was trying to figure, since when did I stop writing about how I felt. When did I stop having inspirations to write songs. Was it because I knew I can never make music? Was it because all my dreams kept being trashed?

As I looked back on everything I thought and wrote, I decided, I needed to bring back my passion of writing.

In order to write, I feel that one needs to be inspired and what better way than to read. So I started to pick up books again. I'm starting to pick up half-assed written posts like this one up again. It's a small move but I realized if I didn't want uni to ruin my passion, I needed other ways to tell myself that writing is fun again. I've also started to keep a book to write my thoughts and just write whatever is in my mind on my phone when I'm on the go. Be it a story or lyrics, basically whatever that floats my mind.

Writing has always been my outlet of relief and I don't want uni to ruin my passion of writing. So what if I can't write research papers, so what if I don't have critical thinking, so what if keep getting negative remarks from all the bullshits I write in the essays. Essays have a structure, writing stories and lyrics don't rely on structure. They rely on expressions and creativity, so why did I even let remarks on my essay paper ruin my passion for writing?

I don't want to be trapped and to be criticized based on what I was forced to write. I want to be judged on what I was inspired to write.

So for all of you out there who hates to write because people criticize your work, don't hate it. You can write if you try it your own way. We are all forced to write for education at some point but it is a choice to write in your free time and honestly speaking, writing out of your own free will is amusing. Try writing a diary or journal for a month and look back at it a year later. You'll really get a good laugh to actually reflect on how you are doing now.

Well, I hope this post didn't bore you out. It was just a post that started with a random thought and frustration of mine of losing something I love. But I'm working to getting it back again so...if you didn't get what I just typed, it's cool! I'll think of a better post to write about the next time ><

Until the next post! Ta ta~~

P.s. Leaving you guys with some lyrics I wrote maybe 2-3 years back when my creativity and inspiration was running like mad. It's the first time I'm showcasing them somewhere. Hahaha. 

 The lyrics below Are  actually one of my all time fave amongst  the stuff I wrote. I still remember how I wrote this after I was staring at the moon outside my window at night. 

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